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2001-10-19 - 12:26 p.m.

Another archived email, from about a year ago...this one to Salvatore. He was depressed and I was depressed, and we spent a lot of last fall and winter on the phone, until late into the night.



You know, it's okay to take time off. Just step away from everything, and give yourself time to calm down. It's okay to cancel a class, call in sick. Give yourself a little time to be sad; not a lot of time, but some.

Trey was in town in September. On that Sunday morning, when he told me (after months of waffling) that he couldn't see himself with me anymore, I went home and lay on my bed, and sobbed and sobbed. I put on every single depressing cd that reminded me of him, including the two Bob Dylan songs that always make me cry. I hardly left the room all day, and every time I thought I would stop crying, it began again. I didn't eat, and I didn't sleep. It was just that one day; I've had a few bouts of depression since then, but I think I needed that one day, when the whole world stopped for me.

There's a massage therapist in my building, and I had an appointment with her this afternoon. I told her about my knee (actually, it's my iliotibial band, a muscle that begins in my thigh and goes down past my knee, although I'm sure there is no reason you need to know that information), and she massaged it. And it's strange how symbolic it was, that when she pressed down on my thigh, this huge wave of pain came forth, and I didn't even know that pain was there. She pushed harder and harder, and I was almost dizzy, and my breath became shallow, and still is, like I'm about to go into those shuddering breaths that precede sobbing. My thigh is still warm, and tingling, and I know that this pain is part of the healing process. I think that all those emotions about Trey are still inside me, under the surface, and I'm refusing to acknowledge them. And I wonder if I will grow tired of feeling so empty at some point, and how long that will be. And if I will ever really heal.

I have no plans tonight - no running, no movies, so call if you need to talk.


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