2001-09-25 - 1:13 p.m.

Wearing corduroy pants, in September, in Austin, makes me happy. Even if they�re musty, and I think they must have shrunk, having spent all summer in the bottom of a drawer. And they�re wearing thin, not just in a few places, but most everywhere. But I love them. I�ve had them since my senior year in college, and held onto them even when I gained weight, and nothing fit anymore. I think I will wear them til they fall apart.

I can�t wear corduroy without remembering that Wedding Present song:

I'll make you laugh, when you see this photograph
It's not from that day, I threw all those away
Its just some boy, probably dressed in corduroy
He grew up fast, but you've not changed at all

I can tell I'm doing it again. I block things out that I don't want to remember. I was so mad at Trey for not calling me after I saw him in Atlanta; when I talked to him last week, he reminded me that I had said it would be better if we didn�t stay in touch. I don't remember saying it, but I didn't argue with him; it's happened too often in the past. Sometimes, I wish all our conversations could be transcribed, just so I have something to refer back to.

So I called Trey last week, after the terrorist attack, when I wanted to call everyone I know. We talked for a while, and it was nice. Calm, reassuring...afterwards, I tried to remember why I enjoyed it so much. Finally, I decided that it wasn't just because I knew him so well; rather, I knew myself really well when I was talking to him. I don't know why we haven't drifted apart over the years. This Thanksgiving, I'll have known him, in some capacity or another, for nine years.

After the attack, I couldn't stop watching the news. I wanted everything to be burned into my memory. I knew that later, it would all seem like a movie I had seen, and could barely remember. I can picture myself walking past the box in the video store, and reading the description on the back. Haven't I seen this before? And as everyone gears up with this antiwar fervor, I find that I'm only beginning to process all of this, and already starting to forget.

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